


I’ve Been in Love with Her for Ages

by cobblestaubrey



Series: figure my heart out [11]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College graduation, F/F, Fears of the future, Just a lot going on, Maybe too much for one story, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobblestaubrey/pseuds/cobblestaubrey
Summary: "Here they were, about to thrust themselves out into the real world, together. Embarking on a new journey, facing new obstacles, falling in love all over again, together. "It's all over, now, yet it's really just begun, if you think about it.
Relationships: Brita Filter/Aiden Zhane, Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd, Jackie Cox/Jan Sport, Nicky Doll/Rock M Sakura
Series: figure my heart out [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1792651
Comments: 18
Kudos: 25





	I’ve Been in Love with Her for Ages

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this story is the line right after “i think our story needs more pages” in the song “Me & You Together Song”, which as you all hopefully know, was the title of the first story. That’s cool, right? And it makes sense as a start and end, right? So cool!
> 
> Well. This took a bit. I was having a big burn out moment and had a hard time writing this, but I chipped away day by day to do this, and then had one HUGE week of writing that just came through me.

_It’s all over_ , was the first thing Jan thought when she saw Jackie again. 

Four years of clawing her way through Juilliard, full of casting calls and good grades and bad grades and tears, and it was over. Her last finals had struck down on her, and she decided her only option would be to lock herself in her bedroom until she was done with her final essay. When she opened the bedroom door and saw Jackie again, with her own eyes sunken and complemented by deep, purple bags, she knew it was all over. 

Jackie, her beautiful girlfriend of four marvelous years. The brunette was dancing around their shared kitchen, the music blasting in her earbuds somehow making their way to Jan, who was over ten feet away. One day Jackie might go deaf, Jan would tell her girlfriend, yet Jackie would just shake her head and laugh. Other times, Jackie would turn her music down, telling Jan that she would never want to live in a world where she couldn’t hear Jan’s voice. Those were the nights Jan was extra soft, extra quiet, whispering “I love you”s in Jackie’s ear. 

Their apartment was littered with photos and pottery and trinkets from their time together. On the fridge were reminders for groceries and old Christmas cards, the kitchen counter held a coffee machine Jan’s mother had gifted them, a deep maroon, Jackie’s favorite color. Shelves lined the small living room space that was just across from the kitchen, full of books Jackie had found at various yard sales throughout her childhood and adolescence, with knick knacks on the top, freshly dusted. 

Pictures of their individual families, as well as trips Jan and Jackie had taken with the others respective parents were arranged precisely on the wall adjacent to the television, the newest from December, when Jackie’s mother had joined the two on their trip to the Hamptons. 

Jan smiled at the memory, feeling that deep warmth within her at the matching smiles on Jackie and her mother’s face in the photo. It had been a tumultuous few years, but their relationship had grown much stronger since Jackie had opened up to the older woman about herself. 

_“You don’t have to go through with this,” Jan had told Jackie, rubbing the taller girl’s arm._

_They had been standing outside of Jackie’s house, on the cold steps that the two had been on tons before. Jackie had stolen a few kisses in the exact spot, after dates or casual afternoons. Jan wasn’t dropping Jackie off, though, not at all. The two were supposed to go inside to have dinner with Jackie’s parents._

_It hadn’t been the first time, but it would be the first time Jan was there as Jackie’s girlfriend._

_A few weeks after Jackie had sent that letter to her mom, the one where she finally bared her feelings, and refused to cower behind her fear, the brunette came home for summer break. She had an off campus apartment, an accommodation NYU had offered, but Jan was still back in her hometown, so that’s where Jackie had wanted to be, too._

_Her mother had sat her down on their old, living room couch, and told her that she cried. That Jackie’s father had been understanding, but that her mother felt like she had lost something when she received that letter. It was heartbreaking, but Jackie wasn’t being disowned, she wasn’t being thrown out. She still had a home in her mother’s house._

_It was bittersweet, but Jackie’s mom had asked to meet Jan officially, as the woman who had stolen Jackie’s heart, and Jackie agreed, as she always did._

_“I know,” Jackie had responded, pulling her keys out of her pocket to unlock the front door. “But it’s important to her and you’re important to me.”_

_Jan reached forward to grab Jackie’s hand, squeezing it once, and gave her a reassuring smile. Jackie was brave, and Jan loved her for it._

_When Jackie had finally moved her feet to open the door, bringing Jan inside with her, the smell of saffron and freshly baked bread filled her. It surrounded Jan as well, but she was much more interested in the way it made Jackie relax._

_“Jackie!” her mother had called out, twisted away from the stove. “Come! I need your help to skewer.”_

_Jackie nodded, squeezing Jan’s hand once more before letting go. Jackie’s dad began setting the table, and Jan offered to help, but he had waved her off._

_“You’re our guest,” he smiled gently, his voice soft, just like Jackie’s got._

_While the dinner was a bit awkward, to say the least, Jan’s heart had swelled as she was told stories of Jackie’s childhood, her gaze being directed to various pictures of the brunette through her adolescence. Photos of Jackie toddling about in overalls and pigtails had struck a chord in Jan’s heart, and for a moment, all she wanted in the world was to raise a child who looked just like Jackie._

_Jackie’s father was kind and passive, always asking questions and listening with rapt attention. Jackie’s mother was much bolder, but Jan saw the way she interacted with Jackie, always making sure her daughter had enough food and was enjoying herself._

_Jackie’s family meant so much to her, and it meant the world to Jan to be introduced to them, and for Jackie to keep them, regardless of her sexuality._

_When the dinner was over, Jackie’s dad had clapped Jan on the shoulder, telling her that he had never seen Jackie laugh as much as she did with the blonde. Mrs. Cox had given her a smile, and though it appeared to be a bit forced, the unshed tears in her eyes said otherwise._

_“You treat her like she deserves,” she had said, taking one of Jan’s hands with both of her own. “That is all I’ve ever asked for.”_

_“Thank you,” Jan had choked out, and tried to stop herself from crying, but couldn’t._

_Jackie had driven her home, both of their eyes red with unshed tears. Happy tears. They were happy._

Something settled in Jan’s stomach when she remembered how young they still were, then. The reality of the situation had hit her, that she had just finished college, that her entire life was ahead of her, now. As she continued creeping into the kitchen, her anxieties tiptoed behind her, catching up to tug at her ankles. 

Letting out a shaky breath, Jan tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her gut, that maybe she wasn’t ready for all of this after all.

Thankfully, Jackie had finally turned the stove off and turned to get the strainer that was sat in one of the kitchen cabinets above her, so Jan began making her way over. The sauce smelled incredible - it was her favorite food, after all - but was more incredible was the easy smile on Jackie’s face as she mouthed along to the words of whatever song was playing. 

Of course she was making pasta, Jan thought. Although Jan would have done the same for her, the fact that Jackie was making her favorite food after the grueling night Jan had meant the world to the blonde. She reached out, careful not to surprise Jackie entirely (especially near the stove), planting her hand on the small of Jackie’s back. 

Jackie still jumped a bit, but luckily didn’t burn herself on anything. Her head snapped towards Jan, but her shocked expression quickly morphed into something much more serene. Her eyes flickered around Jan’s face, and her smile became a small, easy simper. Taking out her ear buds, she whispered out, “Hi, baby,” and tilted her head, reaching up to cup one of Jan’s cheeks. 

Jan nuzzled into her hand, closing her eyes for a moment. “Hey.”

“All done?” 

Nodding, Jan began to wiggle around, in some sort of small happy dance, “All done!” she whispered, grinning from ear to ear. 

“We’re done.”

“We’re _done_ , Jackie!” 

Jackie grinned, pulling her in for a kiss that spoke years in seconds, opening her mouth to let Jan deepen it. 

In hindsight, Jan knew she was still exhausted, but she could feel the energy rush through her in the moment as she let her hands wander under the hem of Jackie’s shirt. Everything Jackie and she had been working for during the last four years had been completed, and, for now, there was nothing left to do but bask in each other. 

Here they were, about to thrust themselves out into the real world, _together_. Embarking on a new journey, facing new obstacles, falling in love all over again, _together_. 

Jackie pulled away reluctantly, giving Jan a few more pecks, and squeezing her hips. As she turned back to begin straining the noodles, she twisted her head slightly to continue talking to Jan. “And everything’s set for after your graduation?” 

Jan still felt dazed from the kiss, but the reminder of what was to come lit another match in her. “Yep! Nicky literally lives here every other weekend anyway, Heidi’s willing to ditch her fiance for a week, and Crygi just confirmed their flight times!”

“Crygi?” 

“Jacks, please,” Jan giggled, wrapping her arms around Jackie’s waist. She stood on her tippy toes to reach Jackie’s shoulder, pressing a light kiss to the brunette’s neck. “Rock is coming down for a few days, Brita’s got a job lined up anyway and wants to check out apartments, and…” 

“Aiden?” Jackie asked, cocking an eyebrow. 

“She’s coming.”

Jackie stilled, tensing under Jan’s touch. “Seriously?” 

“Last I heard from Heidi, Aiden’s back in town.” 

Jackie blew a loose strand of hair out of her face, staring up at the ceiling. “Is this gonna go well?”

“Brita and Aiden haven’t spoken since the New Year’s Eve party sophomore year.”

That had been _better_ than their freshman year party. Rock had been dating some girl she had met at her college, so Nicky stayed out of their way, Heidi and her boyfriend, Matthew, were doing great as always ( _“Seriously,” Jackie had asked, “how did you find a good guy? I can’t believe they exist”)_ , but Brita and Aiden had been as tense as they had been the last year. 

Jan wanted to say something, but Brita had been doing _so_ well that year, so opening that wound would only hurt. Instead, she roped Brita into a game of _Just Dance_ ( _“Why the Hell do you still have this game,” Heidi had asked, marveling at the way Jan knew every single dance, despite how concerning it was)._

When the clock struck midnight, Jan kissed Jackie as always, Rock had kissed her girlfriend while Nicky downed a few more shots of vodka, Matthew dipped Heidi, and Brita and Aiden? Well, they made eye contact, that was all Jan knew. What happened after was a mystery.

“You haven’t spoken to her either.”

Jan shrugged, side stepping to grab a mug from the counter to fill up with water. “Yeah, well, when your friend runs off to Boston and changes her number, you tend to lose track of her.” Was she bitter? Yes, because she had been there for Aiden (well, she tried to be. Aiden wasn’t really one to open up) when Brita and she had broken up, and Aiden had always been there for Jan, yet suddenly that wasn’t enough to keep Jan in her life? 

She let out a sigh, shaking out these feelings and memories from her mind. Tonight wasn’t about that, it was about Jackie and her, and freedom. 

“Well, either way, I can’t wait to see all of them again,” Jackie grinned, hip checking Jan softly. “It’s going to be _so_ loud.” 

“Oh my God, we’re gonna get kicked out, I just know it.”

* * *

Jan had given Jackie a quick peck on the lips, leaving the brunette to her own devices as Jan went off to hang out with Lemon downtown. “Don’t wait up!” she had called through the doorway.

“I won’t,” Jackie smirked back, waving at her as she left. 

Almost immediately after, Jackie dove for her phone, dialing Gigi’s number and hoping she would pick up.

In only three rings, she heard her friend’s voice. _“Are you_ **_that_ ** _excited to see me?”_

Jackie sighed, shaking her head. “I have an idea. A dumb idea.”

 _“Go on…”_ She heard Crystal coax from somewhere away from the phone, wondering if she’d ever see Gigi without Crystal again. 

“This is so stupid…”

 _‘Come_ **_on_ ** _’ was echoed a bit away from the speakers, while Gigi groaned. “Oh my_ **_God,_ ** _Jackie, don’t be that bitch that says ‘oh em gee I have a secret… I’m not gonna say it, though! Hee hee!’”_ She spoke with a high, valley girl voice, in an attempt to do a terrible imitation of Jackie.

Jackie shrieked, “Shut up!”

 _“Tell us!”_ Crystal’s excitement was infectious, Jackie could hear her grin through the phone.

Jackie looked over to the large photo of her and Jan on their wall, next to all of the smaller pictures of their family. It was from one of the best days of Jackie’s life, one of her Jan’s cousins’ wedding from the summer before their senior year. She had brought Jackie along, introduced her to the entire Mantione clan, and showered her with love the entire weekend (at the wedding, and in their shared hotel room). 

Jan had talked about the wedding, love, and _marriage_ that entire weekend, whether they were with family or alone, and it got Jackie thinking.

“Should I… Should I propose to Jan?”

The seconds of silence felt suffocating, before Gigi hung up.

Only moments later, Gigi requested another call, this time over _FaceTime_. When Gigi appeared on screen, along with Crystal’s face squished against her, Jackie swallowed thickly. Gigi did not look happy.

 _“Yes!”_ Crystal said, _“Do it!”_ before yelping, as Gigi elbowed her gently.

After, Gigi looked back at the camera, staring at Jackie with her brow furrowed. _“Why would you ask that?”_

Jackie opened her mouth to rebuttal, searching for an explanation that would make sense. Jan was the love of her life, she knew that for sure, and they were happy together. They lived together, cooked together, and cleaned the house. Arguments happened, for sure, but they were sparse, and they never took out their anger on each other. 

“I don’t know…” was all Jackie could come up with, but continued speaking, grasping for words as they came out, “it’s been four years, and we’ve graduated, and you know, Heidi proposed, so…”

She trailed off, hoping that Gigi or Crystal could fill in the blanks for her. 

Gigi shook her head. _“Listen, I was all for Heidi breaking down some stupid societal norms, but…”_

“How is this different?” Jackie spoke up immediately. All she needed was Gigi’s encouragement. She knew Crystal would be on board, but Gigi was a much harder nut to crack. 

_“I don’t know if you_ **_should_ ** _propose,”_ Gigi started, leaning towards the camera a bit. _“but do you_ **_want_ ** _to?”_

Jackie turned her head away, letting her eyes drag over the wooden floor below her. There were a few scratches she’d have to buff out, but besides that it was pristine. “I don’t know?”

 _“The fuck?”_ Gigi recoiled, even startling Crystal a bit. “ _You don’t know? What kind of question is this, don’t propose, dumbass!”_

“I want to marry Jan! Okay?” Jackie retorted immediately, before taking a breath and leaning back. “But -”

_“There shouldn’t be a ‘but’!”_

_“Hear her out,”_ Crystal spoke softly. 

Jackie took another breath, patting her free hand on the side of her thigh. She was sitting on the couch they had bought together, surrounded by pillows they had bought together, in front of a television they had bought together. 

“It just feels… expected?”

 _“It shouldn’t feel like that,”_ Gigi’s voice was lower, now, _“It should feel right.”_

Jackie shrugged. “Don’t _you_ ever feel like it’s time?”

_“When have Crystal and I ever given a shit about what anyone else wants?”_

“Well…”

Gigi pulled the camera closer to her face, away from Crystal, who had been grabbing for it for about a minute. _“Listen to me,”_ she started, pulling Jackie away from her own thoughts. _“Do you think there aren’t days I think about it?”_

Jackie could hear Crystal gasp from a few feet away, and wondered how Gigi could be so cold, yet so vulnerable. 

_“I_ **_love_ ** _Crystal, and I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life with her. I don’t need a ring to prove that,”_ she snorted, clearly mulling something over, _“I also can’t afford one, can you?”_

Jackie bit her lip, shaking her head. “I could…” 

_“Yeah, fuck that,”_ Gigi laughed. Jackie joined in, feeling the weight on her shoulders lighten significantly. _“You’re not proposing.”_

“Alright, fine,” Jackie rolled her eyes, smiling inwardly. Gigi sure had a way with words. 

There was a comfortable gap of silence, before Gigi raised an eyebrow, smirking. _“What do you say?”_

Jackie deadpanned for a second, before smiling genuinely. “Thanks, Geege.”

Gigi leaned away, squinting her eyes and wincing. _“Ooo, the correct answer was ‘I’ve decided to pay your student loans.’”_

Jackie laughed, letting herself just enjoy the moment with two of her friends, before her mind went back to overanalyzing everything. “Yep, good one.”

_“It was! Now go watch some nerd show until Jan gets back before you explode.”_

Jackie rolled her eyes, telling Gigi to ‘fuck off’ lovingly, before ending the call. The silence overwhelmed her for a second, before she walked over to the window to open it. The sound of the city echoed through her apartment, louder than it had ever felt. It sounded like home.

* * *

“I have no idea.”

“Jan! You had twenty minutes! Why weren’t you looking at the menu?”

“I was looking at you!”

“Oh my God,” Jackie laughed, shaking her head and tossing her own menu at Jan, narrowly missing the blonde’s wine glass.

“Jackie!” 

Jackie smirked, watching the waitress approach from mere feet away. “Better get looking.” 

Jan huffed, but Jackie could see her smile behind the plastic. 

Jackie didn’t think she’d ever get tired of being in the moment with Jan, even regarding the little things like the little banter they just had. Anything that made Jan smile or laugh made Jackie happy.

She wanted this for the rest of her life.

The thought scared her for just a minute, before she closed her eyes, trying to rid herself of the thought. It was too early to overthink. 

The waitress asked, “What can I get you two, tonight?” not soon after that, pulling Jackie away from her own thoughts. 

As Jackie listed off her order, some seafood combination she didn’t care for with a side of brussel sprouts (which she could definitely consider the main event), she could feel Jan’s eyes on her. She would look back for a second or so, just to catch Jan in the act, but the blonde was never shy, not anymore. Jan would keep staring, rubbing Jackie’s leg under the table with her own shoe. 

Jackie tried not to smile, finishing up with the waitress as fast as she could. When the woman turned to Jan to take her order, Jan gave her an innocent smile, nodding along before she looked back down at her menu.

“Um, just whatever she’s having,” Jan gestured to Jackie. 

The snort Jackie let out resonated a little too loud for her liking, and she tried to play it down when the waitress looked over to her with one of her eyebrows raised. 

“Nothing, nothing! Thank you!” 

After the waitress walked out of ear shot, Jackie turned back to Jan. “I’m gonna have to tip her extra for that.” 

“What was so funny?” Jan tilted her head, giving Jackie a cheeky smile. 

Jackie rolled her eyes, reaching down to catch Jan’s ankle, which had grown closer to her knee. “You think you’re _so_ clever, don’t you?”

Batting her eyes, Jan leaned forward in her seat. “I have no clue what you’re talking about, Jacks.” 

“You know I ordered lobster, right?” 

Jan’s jaw dropped minutely, but Jackie caught it, feeling another giggle rise in her throat. Jan stuck her lip out petulantly, looking around to see if the waitress was anywhere to be seen. “Please tell me you got a salad on the side or something,” Jan practically begged when she realized the server was completely out of sight.

“Brussel sprouts and Asian pears.” Jackie barely got through that before Jan cheered, earning a few looks from the other patrons.

The blonde reached across the table to take Jackie’s free hand, squeezing it. “You’re a lifesaver.”

Snorting, Jackie used her other hand to take a sip of her own wine. “I wouldn’t have to be if you had looked at the menu for more than thirty seconds.”

Jan shrugged, looking coyly off to the side. “I already knew what I wanted to eat.” 

Jackie, feeling wrapped up in the nostalgia of the last few weeks, could still remember a time when those words would’ve painted her red from the face to her toes, but now she was only submerged in a tingling warmth up her spine. 

“Rock and her girlfriend broke up,” Jan started suddenly, running her finger along her wine glass. 

Jackie swallowed a sip of her own drink, wondering if everyone talked about their friend’s love life as much as they did. 

Who was she kidding? None of them were normal enough to care about other people.

“Yeah?” Jackie asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Mhm,” Jan hummed, smirking. “Nicky’s single, right?”

Jackie rolled her eyes, knowing exactly where this was going. “ _Tinder_ was surprisingly not working out.” 

She watched Jan continue to smirk, and raised her own eyebrow. 

“You’re not being coy,” Jackie chuckled. “We are not meddling with those two.”

“I wasn’t going to!” The blonde leaned back slightly, raising her hands. “I was just wondering what you think is going to happen?” 

It’s not like she hadn’t thought about it, but she had tried not to bring it up to Rock. Her guess was as good as Jan’s.

Jackie shrugged. “Rock’s not a sad, teenage girl, anymore,” she quirked her lip to the side. “She’s not going to run back with open arms.” 

“I just want both of them to be happy.” 

Jackie snorted. “They can be happy and single.” 

That might have been a lie. Rock had gone through every girl at her college at this point, and only stopped complaining when she had someone on her arm. 

Jan didn’t need to know that, though.

Jan pouted, and Jackie would have thought it was childish if everything Jan did wasn’t attractive in some way or another. “But they never even got to try!”

“If they really wanted to, they would have,” Jackie responded, looking around for her waitress. She could tell Jan wanted her full attention, but she was hungry, sue her. 

She wasn’t really thinking, repeating the words to herself to remember what she had said. It was true, in a way. Neither were willing to put themselves out there and fight for the other. It hurt her heart to think about, but it wasn’t a burning pain. 

Jan leaned forward, giving Jackie a lopsided smile. “If you had the chance to jump a plane across the ocean, you would’ve, too.” 

Jackie scoffed, “Oh, _please_.” 

“Don’t play this game, Jackie. You can’t win.” Jan leaned her head on her hands, supporting herself with her elbows on the table cloth. 

Jackie mirrored her, feeling like she was on one of her first dates with the blonde again, wishing they were sharing a milkshake or something silly with two straws. 

As those four years went by, she rarely thought about the past, always pushing herself to keep moving forward. However, there were the vulnerable times, like now, where she realized she could count the little ways that Jan’s face had changed over the years, how college had aged both of them faster than they would have liked. 

Sometimes, though, it felt good to let her heart be clenched by the hand of time. To remember that they only got to this point because two, stupid, teenage girls from a small town in New York found each other and never wanted to let go. 

“What are you looking at?” Jan asked softly, yet Jackie kept looking, always looking. 

Jan was as beautiful as the day they met, more than that. 

“I’m in love with you,” Jackie breathed out, watching Jan’s expression morph. The blonde had been looking lovingly, but now looked as though she was going to cry. Jackie had said those words so many times, but after four years, they held new weight. She reached across the table to grab one of Jan’s hands, squeezing it between her own. “I wake up every day, and regardless of what’s going to happen or what’s outside of those four walls of our bedroom, I wake up so happy. Even when you drool on my pillow or my chest.” Jackie gives Jan a teary smirk, making Jan snort. 

For one of the first times in their relationship, it looked like Jackie had rendered Jan speechless. That didn’t stop Jackie, though, as she couldn’t stop the words from pouring out of her, like they had always been there, all along. “I kept thinking maybe I was in too deep, but four years later and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

Jan let out a tiny gasp, her hand beginning to shake in Jackie’s own. 

“This is the end of something big, but the beginning of something bigger.” Jackie shook her head, feeling overly cheesy and like she was eighteen again, stumbling over her words at prom or during their first time. 

Jan continued looking at her. Jackie would usually find it comforting, but now it felt like something was missing, like Jan wanted her to continue talking.

Jackie tried shrugging it off, looking to her left to see the waitress coming with their food. Jan’s lack of a response worried her, but she hoped it was a good thing. Jan loved her, too, afterall. She didn’t need the blonde to give her some speech back to know that.

For the rest of the night, Jan and Jackie continued their conversation, but Jackie could feel the tension between them, growing any time Jan spoke. She sounded disappointed, which confused Jackie to no end. She had just bared her heart to the blonde, how was what she said not everything the blonde wanted to hear? 

When the night closed in, and Jackie stood to walk Jan out of the restaurant, Jan went to her side as she always did. She was quieter than she had been, wrapping both of her arms around Jackie’s right bicep. 

“You okay?” Jackie murmured, as they waited on the corner for their _Uber_. 

Jan nodded against her arm, closing her eyes. She yawned. Jackie assumed the wine had tuckered Jan out, moving her arm slightly to motion for Jan to let go, so she could wrap it around Jan’s shoulder. She kissed the side of Jan’s forehead, hoping that everything would be fine in the morning.

* * *

The screech Brita let out should have been unbearable, but Jan couldn’t be bothered to care when she was letting out her own shriek. The taller woman was the last to arrive, and it filled Jan’s heart to know that Jackie and her apartment was filled with the friends they had refused to let go throughout high school, despite the distance.

When Crystal turned at the sound of the two girls, her jaw dropped, despite knowing that Brita would be the last to arrive. She joined in, jumping over to pull Brita in for a hug.

Nicky and Rock smiled at her fondly, but even after four years there was still an air of unfamiliarity, so they simply walked over with Gigi. 

“I’ve missed you guys so much.” Jan’s voice wobbled, and she wiped away a stray tear. She looked around, taking in her friends who she had seen so sparingly since high school, except for over a five by three screen. 

Although the women were mostly there just to see each other again, it meant a lot to Jan to know that they were all here to celebrate each other's respective graduations. Jan had been putting her own graduation to the back of her mind, as she had every other thing that reminded her that she was about to reach the beginning of the rest of her life. 

Jackie had been on her mind - she always was, in some way - since their dinner the other night. Jan had thought _something_ was going to happen. She wasn’t entirely sure what she was expecting, but Jackie’s speech, and the way it ended so… anticlimactically put a pit in Jan’s stomach. 

Brita had a plan for the future. Aiden, albeit impulsively, found where she wanted to be. Rock had a gig lined up in the city, Gigi was definitely a stripper but was making more money than any of them had ever seen, and Jackie - when had she ever _not_ had a plan? 

Jan wanted something solid. It scared her that she sang like it was the air she breathed, but that her future was just as intangible. Her mother had always pushed her to do whatever she wanted, but now, at twenty-one, she wished she had picked something a bit safer.

Jan blinked harshly, before scanning the room. It was then she noticed that Aiden had never moved from the wall she had been leaning against. She shook her head admonishingly, moving over to grab Aiden and bring her in for another hug. She could pretend it was for Aiden’s sake, at least. Aiden tensed for a moment, before reluctantly moving her arms to wrap them around Jan.

“Don’t be a stranger,” Jan whispered, feeling Aiden nod against the side of her head. When she let go, Aiden finally moved towards the other women, mirroring the small smile Crystal gave her. 

Jan walked over towards Jackie, who had been watching as Jan’s own friend group had arrived. Heidi, Rock, and Nicky had been there much earlier, analyzing Jackie’s gaming setup that had slowly been building over the last few years. 

Although Jackie had had to put aside some of her gaming habits in order to spend quality time with Jan, sometimes she just _had_ to lock herself in their room and put on her gigantic headphones. She had kept her promise to Rock since sophomore year, making sure that one day of each week was dedicated to calling her over _Discord_ to see how she had been doing.

When Nicky graduated early from college and moved to New York City right before senior year, Jackie had tried as well as she could to break the news to Rock. Although the shorter girl was surprised, she had also been in a long term relationship, and shrugged it off. 

_“I’m not gonna dump my girlfriend for Nicky,” Rock snorted into her headset microphone. Jackie marveled at the development, but also at the realization that Rock had changed so profusely, her normally high and excitable voice mellowing out, and her outlook on life maturing like a fine wine._

That was the last of that conversation, and it brought them to now. Rock was single again, Nicky was perpetually looking for something real, and neither of them could handle a conversation without a buffer. 

Jan felt deep down it was her duty to fix it, but Jackie had told her time and time again that were the opportunity to arise, that those two had to find themselves on their own accord, and not with the help from a certain Cupid with blonde hair and too many ideas.

“Is blondie gonna be here?” Aiden smirked, purposefully ignoring the eye roll sent her way by her ex. 

Jan shook her head, watching Aiden’s expression stay the same through it all - unwavering apathy - before she responded. “ _Lemon_ is with her _heterosexual_ boyfriend, tonight.” 

Aiden barked out a laugh. “Maybe next time.”

“Definitely not,” Jan giggled, before pulling Aiden towards a massive collection of board games, gesturing towards it. “Which one?”

“I fucking hate board games.”

“I know,” Jan smiled. “That’s why I’m letting you pick.”

Rock popped up from the little crowd near the door, pushing past Jackie. “Oh, oh! _Yahtzee_!”

Two loud “ _No!_ ”s rang out, as Gigi and Crystal moved to grab Rock before she could pick up the box. 

Heidi snorted, watching Rock and the couple fight over a board game box. “Our dumb asses are finally twenty-one, and we’re gonna play _Yahtzee_?”

Jackie cackled, walking away from Jan to slip into the fight, and grabbed the box from the three women. “It’s either playing board games and _then_ getting drunk, or getting drunk and playing board games at three A.M,” she spoke as she opened the box, pulling out the dice. “Pick your poison.”

Heidi rolled her eyes, reluctantly joining Jackie around the coffee table and grabbing a pen. “Rock barely knows how to play this sober.” 

“I do, too!” Rock shouted, stomping over to the chair across from Heidi. “I just don’t know how to do the scores.”

“That’s half the game!” Heidi shouted back.

“Enough!” Jan laughed, pulling the pen out of Heidi’s hand before she used it as a projectile. “There’s too many of us, we’re getting into teams.”

Did Jan know exactly what she was doing? 

Maybe.

“I’m going solo,” Aiden muttered, dragging over a stool from the kitchen counter. 

Heidi immediately grabbed Brita’s arm, dragging her over. Jan smiled at the action, watching the way their friends intertwined and tangled their threads.

That brought her eyes to Nicky and Rock, who were looking anywhere but each other, sitting on the same, small chair. Jan sent Rock a lopsided smile, raising an eyebrow. Rock, despite having matured over the years, responded with the same, bright red blush.

“It’s on,” Nicky smirked, grabbing the dice and shaking them vigorously. 

* * *

“Thank fuck we stopped playing _Yahtzee_.”

Jackie rolled her eyes, having heard the same statement from Nicky their entire _Uber_ ride to the club three times already.

“We get it. You lost,” Rock smirked from Jackie’s other side, causing Nicky to reach across Jackie to slap her.

“ _Salope_! You were on my team!”

Jackie tried to push Nicky back, but clearly the blonde had gotten stronger during her time traversing the New York City sidewalks. 

“I got our three of a kind!” 

“It was nine points!”

“Will you two just make out already?” Jackie interrupted, immediately regretting it from the tension that seeped into the car. 

She made a mental note to talk to Jan about the blonde rubbing off on her. 

“Um…” Heidi began, looking between Jackie and Rock. “Did you guys see the newest Jojo season?”

Jackie snorted. This was going to be a long ride.

In the other car, Jan was in a very similar situation, shoved between Brita and Aiden, while Crystal and Gigi sat cuddling in the back seat, completely oblivious to the internal battle going on in front of them.

Jan, however, was _not_ dealing with Aiden and Brita. Her head faced forward, as she watched the cars in front of her, wondering why she felt so on edge. 

Brita reached down to squeeze her hand, tilting her head when Jan finally looked over. “You okay?” 

Jan shrugged, her head bobbing about as if she were floating. “Has Jackie said anything to you?”

Brita’s cocked eyebrow said it all, and it made Jan sigh. 

“I don’t know. I’m just being stupid.” 

Aiden finally tore her eyes away from her own window, furrowing her brows. “Did she say somethin’ to _you_?”

“No! That’s the problem,” Jan groaned, reaching up to cover her face with her hands. “I think I want more…” 

Aiden choked on her spit. Jan rolled her eyes, reaching behind her to pat her on the back a few times. 

“You’re a college grad,” Brita nudged Jan’s shoulder with her own. “Don’t you have enough to worry about?”

“I don’t even have a future to worry about,” Jan admitted.

Brita opened her mouth to speak, but all of the passengers of the car were thrown forward by the car abruptly stopping. 

“We’ve arrived at your destination,” the _Uber_ driver said monotonously, never looking at the girls.

“Thanks,” Jan mumbled, looking over to Brita’s side, waiting for her to open the door. Brita, however, was still looking back at Jan. 

“You’re a smart girl,” Brita started. “You’ll figure it out.”

When the group walked into the club, it didn’t take long for Jan to find Jackie. They hadn’t been here many times over the last few years, but on a rare occasion when Jan was able to drag Jackie out of the apartment, Jan had learned exactly how Jackie approached her outings.

By calling “designated driver”, despite not having a car.

That’s how Jan found Jackie, having only been there for five minutes, pulling two shots out of Rock’s hands.

“I can do it, I swear!” Rock whined, making grabby hands at the shots.

Jackie laughed, raising the shots above her head, careful not to spill them. “Rock, you’re the size of my thumb.”

“But I’m thick! And I paid for them!”

Jan laughed at the sight, walking over to the girls to wrap her arms around Jackie’s waist, and stood on her tiptoes to place her chin on Jackie’s shoulder. “Let her have her fun.” 

Jackie rolled her eyes, but still lowered the shots, letting Rock down both of them at the same time. 

Jackie turned her head placing her lips against Jan’s ear. “Whatever happens, I’m blaming you,” she murmured.

Jan made no noise, but grinned, waiting for Jackie to turn her head back so she could rub her cheek against the brunette’s own. 

Out of the corner of her eye she could see Brita, Aiden, and Heidi situate themselves around their little circle, with Aiden and Brita right across from each other. Heidi stayed next to Brita, distracting her heavily, while Rock stood next to Aiden, trying to convince the taller woman to take shots with her. 

Jan began to smirk, when she noticed Nicky watching the two, with something akin to longing. 

Jackie was much more oblivious to this, waiting for Rock to finish her drink, before she asked, “So what’s the plan for tonight, Rock?” 

Rock took an audible gulp of her drink, wiping her lips with her arm. “This _is_ a lesbian bar,” she responded, giving a cheeky grin towards Jackie, then laughing. “I don’t plan on going home with anyone but you guys, though.” 

It was almost inaudible, but Jan was looking for it, so she caught the quiet breath Nicky let out.

She pulled away from Jackie, moving to stand shoulder to shoulder with Nicky. “Hey,” Jan smiled lightly, nudging her. “Wanna dance?”

The devilish grin that grew immediately on Nicky’s face was all the answer Jan needed, and she let Nicky grab her wrist and pull her away from the group. 

“Don’t wait up!” Nicky called back, sending a wink that Jan knew was headed right towards a certain short, pink haired girl.

Heidi tilted her head towards the dance floor, motioning for Brita to join her, leaving the group to only three.

Wherever Crystal and Gigi were, that was not Jackie’s business.

Seeing Jan walk towards her warmed Jackie’s heart, but watching Jan walk away warmed something else in Jackie, so she allowed herself to lazily eye the blonde as she took a slow sip of her drink.

“You guys gonna fuck?” 

The burn Rock must have felt spitting out her drink made Jackie wince, but Aiden barely reacted, despite causing it. “No!” Rock basically shouted, before settling down. “I mean… Probably not?”

“ _Probably_?” Jackie barked out. 

Rock shrugged. “She’s single, I’m single, I don’t know?”

“Not on the couch,” Jackie groaned, making Aiden laugh.

“How far’d you get in high school?” Aiden asked, her signature smirk tattooed onto her face. 

The smile Rock got on her face took Jackie aback, with how sweet it was. She could see the nostalgia swimming in Rock’s eyes, gripping her heart, like she was reliving her teens all over again. “We didn’t really get anywhere for a while,” Rock said, her smile turning lopsided. “But, the night before she,” Rock swallowed, “she left, she came over, and…”

“And you fucked.”

Rock choked out a laugh, looking up at Aiden incredulously. “Yeah, we did.” 

“Wait, so… You guys… And then she just...?” Jackie trailed off, trying to connect the dots.

“That’s fucked,” Jackie watched Aiden’s smirk slip off her face, being replaced with something much more resentful. She tilted her head, wondering how someone could move hundreds of miles away and still have to act like they didn’t care. 

Rock stared into her drink, shaking it around and watching the ice clink against the glass. “She was - we were young. I get it.”

Jackie reached over, placing her hand on Rock’s shoulder. “It wasn’t you. You know that, right?”

Rock scoffed, but smiled nonetheless. “Ah yeah, that’s what she said, too.” She laughed, turning her head towards the dance floor. Jackie looked up, too, immediately finding Jan. 

Jackie’s smile fell off her face, her jaw dropping just slightly, mesmerized by the way Jan’s hips swayed to the beat. Her eyes were closed, and Jackie could see how the bass spread through her body, through her legs and to her heart. Nothing was more beautiful.

She watched Jan slowly open her eyes, scanning the room, as if she knew a pair of eyes was on her. When she caught Jackie in the act, she smirked, upping the ante on her performance.

It was only then Jackie realized the song that had been playing, watching Jan mouth the lyrics directly at her. 

_If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it_

_Don't be mad once you see that he want it_

_If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it_

Jackie furrowed her eyebrows, pulling her head back in surprise. “The Hell?” she muttered, as Jan performed all of the moves, completely unnecessarily in Jackie’s opinion. 

She finally pulled her eyes away, focusing on Rock, who had her eyes glued to the other blonde on the dance floor. The brunette reached forward to slap Rock on the shoulder, bringing the pink haired girl back to their circle. “Sorry! Sorry.”

“No you’re not,” Aiden mumbled. Her head was lowered a bit, yet Jackie could still see the way her eyes stayed where Jackie’s own had been, on the dance floor. Jackie looked back, noticing Jan had gone back to dancing, as opposed to taunting her, and let out an easy breath. Weird.

When she turned back to Aiden, she could feel something bubbling in her throat, begging her to ask the woman anything, but she swallowed it. It wasn’t the time.

She only wished Rock had so much tact.

“How about you?” Jackie cringed as Rock confidently turned to Aiden.

Aiden’s fond expression turned bitter, fast. “What about me?”

Rock shrugged, tapping her fingers on the side of her shot. “Are you as hopeless as me?” 

Aiden let out a chuckle, which surprised Jackie, but warmed her pounding heart. “I met a million Brita’s in Boston,” she started. Jackie leaned in, feeling a little too eager for this. “I dunno know. None of them stuck.”

“Maybe you just want _one_ Brita,” Rock bumped Aiden’s hip with her own, raising an eyebrow suggestively. 

Aiden let out a long breath, shaking her head. “The Brita I loved doesn’t exist anymore.” She took a long sip of her long forgotten drink, staring out into the crowd. “She’s not who she was, and I’m not who I was, either. Anything we had is a fallacy, now.”

Everything she said was laced with bitter acceptance, coming out like she had said it a thousand times to herself before. 

Jackie quirked her lips to the side. She waited a moment, just to make sure Aiden was finished, before speaking. “But,” she looked at Brita, and then back at Aiden, whose eyes had been drawn back to the dancing brunette, “It still hurts?” 

Aiden looked down and licked her lips. “I don’t know. Maybe she’s just a pretty face.” 

Jackie wasn’t quite sure what she meant, but shrugged it off, just in time for a tipsy Gigi and plastered Crystal to join them. 

“We were in the bathroom,” Gigi slurred, nudging Jackie with her elbow a little too hard.

“The stall was too small for the both of us if you catch my gi-gist- if you get what I mean.” Crystal winked comically, but Jackie felt more concerned than amused. 

Gigi moved towards Jackie, placing her hand on the shorter woman’s shoulder. “I have a plan.”

Jackie flinched at Gigi’s attempt at whispering, turning her head and pushing Gigi away slightly. “What are you talking about?”

“I know how to make, um, to make Jan _see_.” Gigi leaned forward, taking a step to balance herself.

“See _what_?” 

“You’ll _see_ , too!” Gigi laughed obnoxiously. Then, she skipped away to wrap Crystal in her embrace.

Jackie marveled at the way alcohol affected each of her friends, until it became clear that she should have stopped Rock while she could. 

Rock had somehow escaped Jackie’s peripheral, and was now wandering towards the other women dancing.

 _Shit_ , Jackie thought to herself, cringing internally. 

The pink haired woman bounded up to Nicky, who had her back facing Rock, and began to dance, pushing her body against Nicky’s.

Jackie pulled her eyes away, feeling like she was intruding on something important, or ground breaking, or just absolutely stupid. 

“Guess it’s just us, then,” Jackie spoke, letting Aiden drag her eyes lazily towards her. 

Aiden quirked her mouth to the side, looking away, before looking back. “Five bucks Heidi pukes first.”

Jackie felt the laugh rumble lowly in her throat, and then let it come out, in full throttle. “It’ll be Crystal, and that’s _final_.”

“You’re on.” 

* * *

Aiden was right.

However, Jackie was the only one who woke up without a hangover, so who _really_ won?

That was days ago, and now, on the morning before most of the women were scheduled to leave, Jackie could feel something creeping up behind her. Gigi had only been more ominous since the club, but she had also been preoccupied with talking about future job opportunities in New York City with Brita, and talking about _E3_ with Nicky, Heidi, and sometimes Rock when she forgot about being embarrassed by the obvious hickey on her neck. There was little time to go snooping and decipher whatever nonsense Gigi had been spewing.

Gigi and Crystal stumbled out of the shared bedroom, begging for someone to make pancakes, as Rock and Nicky pushed the pull out couch back into place. 

"You two seem awfully close," Jackie said softly, as Rock joined her at the coffee machine. 

Rock blushed, just slightly this time. "I'll be living in the city soon, so..." 

"I hope it works out," Jackie finished for her, giving her a small smile. 

"Me too," Rock whispered back, grabbing her drink and making her way over to Nicky's side. 

Jackie smiled, wishing everything could be as simple as that.

“You know what?" Heidi said at the kitchen counter, covering her eggs with maple syrup. "The air mattress has grown on me.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Brita groaned, rubbing her lower back.

“Yeah,” Heidi responded. “I am. It sucks.” 

As the morning continued, Jackie saw more pancakes be made than any human could ever eat, and then watched Gigi and Crystal eat them all in a matter of minutes.

Jackie would be concerned if it wasn’t so impressive.

“Jan, you are an angel, I swear,” Crystal moaned through her final bites. “You could do this for a living.”

Jan chuckled, but her laugh didn’t meet her eyes. “At least that’d be something.”

An awkward silence filled the kitchen, so Jackie cleared her throat to fill the space. “That audition's coming up, right? Next week?”

Jan shrugged, washing a dish in the sink. “Yep.”

Brita looked between the two, before speaking up as well. “Jackie, how’s that job you have lined up?”

Now Jackie understood why Jan evaded her question. Despite having opportunities, Jackie was still severely torn over what she was even supposed to be doing. Her mother had practically begged her to continue school to get her masters, while her own research and job search had told her that a job starting as a pharmaceutical research associate was probably as good as she could do without putting herself into more debt. 

“I’m… excited,” she spoke, before biting into toast, hoping no one would ask anymore questions. She could feel Gigi's eyes on her, though, watching out of her peripheral as Gigi leaned over to Crystal, whispering something into her ear.

Hours later, and Jackie had forgotten about the entire exchange as the women lounged around on the couches and chairs sprawled around the television. Heidi on turned to the music channel, letting songs they would have never chosen fill the room. 

On the chair across from Jackie sat Rock, basically thrown over Nicky’s lap. The blonde didn’t seem to care, running her fingers through her pink hair, while Rock looked like she was in Heaven. Brita and Heidi were on one side of the couch across from the television, while Crystal and Gigi hogged the other side. 

Aiden sat on the floor in front of the television, not saying a word, but constantly tapping her fingers on the side of her thigh. 

Then, in what felt like just a breath, Gigi called for everyone’s attention. She raised up her glass of water as she stood up from the couch, tapping it with a fork she had been using, that was _still_ covered in food, and getting all over Jackie’s carpet, clearing her throat.

“This week has been exactly what we all needed,” she started, scanning the room to make sure that everyone was looking.

Jan finally came out of the kitchen and sat next to Jackie, snuggling into her side, and giving her a quick peck on her lips. Jackie smiled inwardly, but her heart was pounding. She knew, deep down, this wasn’t going to end well.

Gigi continued, reaching down to grab Crystal’s hand, and pulled her up from the couch. “But, there’s still something I want.” 

It felt like everything was going in slow motion, as Gigi held her other hand out, waiting, until Aiden pulled out a small box from her pocket and handed it to her. 

A tiny gasp could be heard from Crystal. Jackie could see that Jan was watching with rapt attention, and everything, so suddenly, clicked into place. 

“Crystal,” Gigi spoke softly, bending down to be on one knee. She paused, swallowing thickly, before gaining her footing. “I don’t do speeches. Or talking. Or anything that has to do with words.” Crystal let out a shaky laugh, covering her mouth with both of her hands. “But there’s nothing I want more than to spend forever with you. Will you marry me?”

“Yes! Yes, of course!” 

Gigi’s eyes went wide, and she started shaking her head slightly. “What?”

Crystal had been reaching for the ring, but paused, and then pulled back as if she had been burned. “Oh - oh, fuck! I meant no! No, um, no, I can’t. Not yet.”

“The Hell is going on?” Heidi asked, her eyes flickering between the two.

“Oh my _God_ , Crystal! You had _one_ job!” Gigi stood up, placing the box on the table. 

Crystal began laughing despite herself, her hands still over her face. “Whoops.”

“Well that was a waste of my time,” Aiden mumbled, getting up to scavenge the kitchen. 

Jackie turned to look at Jan, whose eyebrows were furrowed in concentration. “Was that real?” Jan asked, staring at Gigi.

Gigi sighed, shaking her head. “We were _trying_ to teach you a lesson, but Crystal here got too invested.”

Crystal shrugged, reaching for the box on the table. “Maybe I am ready.”

Jackie had to laugh at the way Gigi stilled, refusing to turn to look at Crystal. “Well - maybe so,” she gritted out, before looking back down at the couple before her. “But you two aren’t.”

On the other side of the couch, Brita leaned back, laughing to herself. “Can you at least show us what was supposed to happen?”

Gigi shrugged, turning back to Crystal who now had the ring on her finger. “Crystal, will you marry me?” she asked monotonously. 

“No,” Crystal responded in the same deadpan voice, “We are too young, and I am not ready.”

“Does that mean we are breaking up?” 

Rock and Nicky began to laugh at the robotic speech pattern. “Holy shit, someone call the Emmys.”

“No, of course not,” Crystal continued. “We are in love. We are just not ready.”

“Okay, I respect that. We do not need to be married to be in love. Good lesson. Maybe Jan and Jackie should follow it.” She turned her body to wink at the couple, who both had their jaws dropped.

“And scene,” Crystal said, dramatically bowing several times. 

Jan continued to stare, and then flickered her eyes to the carpet. Back up they went, studying Gigi and Crystal, and then she turned to Jackie, with that same confused look. “Did you know about this?” 

Jackie stared back, even more confused, now. “Wait,” she let her laughs rack through her whole body. “ _That_ was your big plan?” she asked Gigi. 

“So you _did_ know!” Jan pointed out, pushing her finger into Jackie’s shoulder. 

Jackie laughed again, pushing Jan away slightly. “No! She told me _nothing_ besides the fact she had an _amazing_ idea!” 

Gigi rolled her eyes. “So?” she asked, kicking the bottom of Jan and Jackie’s chair. “Can you guys stop freaking out now?” 

“You are the least tactical person I know, and I know Rock,” Jackie deadpanned, hearing Rock gasp in indignation from a few feet away. 

“Well, after… whatever _that_ was, I would love to do literally anything else,” Jan said, as she stood up from the couch.

“Yeah, definitely,” Gigi spoke, watching Crystal play with the ring on her finger. 

Nicky pulled Rock up from her own chair, yelling something about them changing in the bathroom before they went out. 

“Fuck,” Aiden muttered, “My shit is in there. Don’t fuck in the bathtub!”

“No promises!” Nicky called back, and Jackie laughed at the sound of Rock's sputters reverberating through the hall. 

As the other women left to go change, Jackie and Jan headed towards their own bedroom, closing the door behind them.

Jackie stood facing towards her dresser, wishing she could know how Jan was feeling in the moment. She opened the top drawer to pull out a shirt, but just continued to stare at the fabric below her.

Fuck it.

“I’m really afraid of the future,” she finally admitted, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The sigh of relief that Jan let out felt like the beginning of something good, and it filled her own lungs in a way. “Fuck, Jackie, I’m _so_ scared.”

Jackie chuckled quietly despite herself, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “I wanted to tell you, but… I didn’t want to sound weak.”

“It's like, everyone knows what they want to do,” Jan responded, making Jackie reply immediately, turning around to finally look at her.

“Right? Everyone has their act together!”

Jan laughed loudly, nodding, and pulled out a pair of jeans from the closet. “Maybe they don't.”

Jackie let out a quiet “maybe” in response, and blew a bit of air out of her nose, letting the sound of the city fill up the room that had now gone silent. 

Then, so quiet that she almost missed it, she heard Jan's sweet voice. “I want to marry you."

Jackie spun around so quickly again, without a thought in her mind. “Yeah?” She breathed out.

Jan’s smile wobbled, letting her voice crack. “Yeah.” 

Jackie nodded mutely, licking her lips. “I’m not ready.” 

She waited with baited breath for Jan to respond, watching the blonde shake her head, still smiling. “Me either.” 

The laugh that escaped Jackie was surprising to her, but it felt _so_ good. “I want to marry you, and buy a home, and - and have kids with you, Jan,” the words poured out, and she could feel herself breathe again, after being submerged for so long. She stepped closer to the blonde and grabbed her hands. “But I’m not ready, not yet.” 

“Me too,” Jan choked out, letting a tear fall down her cheek. “I want all of that, just not yet.” 

“Not yet,” Jackie grinned, pulling Jan into a searing kiss. 

A loud pounding on their door pulled them apart, but Jackie kept her hands on Jan’s waist. 

“Stop fucking and get out here! We’re going shopping!” Gigi’s voice called through the door, Crystal’s melodic giggle following it.

“No time for a quickie?” Jan grinned cheekily, hooking her fingers into Jackie’s pajama bottoms.

“No,” Jackie giggled out, “but later, definitely later.” 

Jan groaned loudly, throwing her head back, but still pulled away. “ _Fine_ ,” she smirked, immediately reaching for the hem of her shirt, and pulled her pajama top off to begin changing. “It’ll have to wait.”

Of course Jan was putting on a show. 

And of course Jackie watched, because she was a good girlfriend, and one day people would be paying a lot more to see a lot less.

* * *

When Jan woke up on their last morning together, somehow she could feel the apartment had one less person in it. She stumbled into the kitchen, careful to not wake up the two women cuddled up on the couch. 

It was there, on the coffee machine that had just enough in it for Jan to make a cup, that she saw the sticky note. 

_Back to Boston._

_Tell Jackie thanks for everything._

_-A_

Jan read it over, running her thumb over the scratchy writing, and smiling at the phone number that was left at the bottom. 

The sound of flushing filled the apartment, and then Jan heard the telltale unlocking of the bathroom door. Light footsteps tiptoed down the hall, as Brita entered the living area.

“Aiden’s stuff is gone from the bathtub,” she mumbled, grabbing a mug from one of the cabinets above her.

Jan only nodded, tucking the note into her pajama pockets. “How do you feel?”

Brita stilled, tracing her fingers over the chipped ridge of the mug. “I didn’t want her to come.”

Jan hummed, maneuvering around Brita to open the fridge and pull out a carton of milk. 

“But I’m glad she did,” Brita continued, still not looking up from her cup. “I think it’s what we both needed.”

“Yeah?”

The taller woman slid the carafe out of the machine, lifting it up to pour her drink. “It was so hard not to compare every girl, or guy, to her. Like something kept me tethered, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“I don’t really feel that, anymore.” 

Jan swallowed, giving Brita a watery smile. “That’s good.”

Brita's eyes swam with something bittersweet, which hurt Jan's heart, but also healed that part of it that had always been worried for the taller woman. Jan had nothing to say, so she only pulled Brita into a hug, wrapping her arms around her waist.

Another set of footsteps began making their way down the hall, and of course Jan recognized them. She’d be hearing them for the rest of her life, she was sure of it.

“I’m glad you figured it all out,” Jan whispered, knowing that she had figured it all out, too.

**Author's Note:**

> This took FAR too long but I guess finishing part 10 made me feel burned out and like I was “done”, but HERE IT IS!! WOOO!! 
> 
> Wow. I really sucked at writing this for a while. I felt so demotivated, and I thought the story sucked, and it all sucked, but then I wrote scene 5 (the club scene) and DAMN I just wanted to write and write and write!! 
> 
> Aiden’s “Back to Boston” line and a bunch of how she feels is inspired by the song “She’s Got a Boyfriend Now” by Boys like Girls.


End file.
